The Digested Twenty-first Century Read online

  THE DIGESTED

  21st CENTURY

  Also by John Crace

  Vertigo: One Football Fan’s Fear of Success

  Brideshead Abbreviated:

  The Digested Read of the Twentieth Century

  Baby Alarm: Thoughts from a Neurotic Father

  Harry’s Games: Inside the Mind of Harry Redknapp

  THE DIGESTED

  21st CENTURY

  John Crace

  CONSTABLE · LONDON

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  55–56 Russell Square

  London WC1B 4HP

  www.constablerobinson.com

  First published in the UK by Constable

  an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2014

  Copyright © John Crace 2014

  All Digested Reads first published by the Guardian (theguardian.com)

  © Guardian News & Media Ltd. and John Crace

  The right of John Crace to be identified as the author of this work

  has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright,

  Designs & Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-1-78033-858-3 (hardback)

  ISBN: 978-1-78033-908-5 (ebook)

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  Printed and bound in the EU

  Cover by Simon Levy and Nicola Jennings

  For John Sutherland, superprof

  Contents

  Introduction

  Serious Fiction

  The Laying on of Hands – Alan Bennett

  Life of Pi – Yann Martel

  The Little Friend – Donna Tartt

  Cosmopolis – Don DeLillo

  Notes on a Scandal – Zoë Heller

  Crossing the Lines – Melvyn Bragg

  Never Let Me Go – Kazuo Ishiguro

  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – Jonathan Safran Foer

  Memories of My Melancholy Whores – Gabriel García Márquez

  The Possibility of an Island – Michel Houellebecq

  No Country for Old Men – Cormac McCarthy

  Everyman – Philip Roth

  Travels in the Scriptorium – Paul Auster

  The Cleft – Doris Lessing

  On Chesil Beach – Ian McEwan

  Engleby – Sebastian Faulks

  Michael Tolliver Lives – Armistead Maupin

  Bright Shiny Morning – James Frey

  The Little Stranger – Sarah Waters

  The Original of Laura: A Novel in Fragments – Vladimir Nabokov

  Solar – Ian McEwan

  So Much For That – Lionel Shriver

  Imperial Bedrooms – Bret Easton Ellis

  Freedom – Jonathan Franzen

  The Stranger’s Child – Alan Hollinghurst

  The Sense of an Ending – Julian Barnes

  The Marriage Plot – Jeffrey Eugenides

  Bring Up the Bodies – Hilary Mantel

  Lionel Asbo – Martin Amis

  Umbrella – Will Self

  NW – Zadie Smith

  Back to Blood – Tom Wolfe

  A Hologram for the King – Dave Eggers

  The Childhood of Jesus – JM Coetzee

  Chick Lit

  The Clematis Tree – Ann Widdecombe

  I Don’t Know How She Does It – Allison Pearson

  Liz Jones’s Diary – Liz Jones

  Wicked! – Jilly Cooper

  Notting Hell – Rachel Johnson

  Handle with Care – Jodi Picoult

  Fifty Shades of Grey – EL James

  Peaches for Monsieur Le Curé – Joanne Harris

  In the Name of Love – Katie Price

  It – Alexa Chung

  Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy – Helen Fielding

  Lad Lit

  A Long Way Down – Nick Hornby

  My Favourite Wife – Tony Parsons

  Meltdown – Ben Elton

  Round the Bend – Jeremy Clarkson

  Autobiography/Memoir

  Experience – Martin Amis

  Things My Mother Never Told Me – Blake Morrison

  A Round-Heeled Woman – Jane Juska

  Broken Music – Sting

  Chronicles, Volume 1 – Bob Dylan

  The Intimate Adventures of a London Call-Girl – Belle de Jour

  Don’t You Know Who I Am? – Piers Morgan

  Snowdon – Anne de Courcy

  Going Rogue: An American Life – Sarah Palin

  Must You Go? – Antonia Fraser

  A Journey – Tony Blair

  Life: Keith Richards

  Bird House – Annie Proulx

  Mud, Sweat and Tears – Bear Grylls

  A Walk-On Part – Chris Mullin

  May I Have Your Attention, Please? – James Corden

  Vagina – Naomi Wolf

  Margaret Thatcher: The Authorised Biography, Volume 1 – Charles Moore

  A Man in Love – Karl Ove Knausgård

  Girl Least Likely To – Liz Jones

  An Appetite for Wonder – Richard Dawkins

  Letters/Diaries

  The Letters of Kingsley Amis

  The Diaries of Kenneth Tynan

  Alan Clark: The Last Diaries

  Primo Time – Anthony Sher

  The Letters of Noël Coward

  Ever, Dirk: The Bogarde Letters

  The Pursuit of Laughter: Essays, Articles, Reviews & Diary – Diana Mosley

  God Bless America – Piers Morgan

  Letters to Monica – Philip Larkin

  PG Wodehouse: A Life in Letters

  Public Enemies –

  Michel Houellebecq and Bernard Henri-Levy

  Liberation, Volume 3: Diaries: 1970-1983 –

  Christopher Isherwood

  Counting One’s Blessings: The Selected Letters of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother

  The Letters of TS Eliot Volume 4:1928–1929

  Distant Intimacy – Frederic Raphael and Joseph Epstein

  Here and Now: Letters 2008–2011 –

  Paul Auster and JM Coetzee

  Buildings: Letters 1960–1975 – Isaiah Berlin

  Self-Help

  The Privilege of Youth – Dave Pelzer

  Freakonomics – Steven D Levitt and Stephen J Dubner

  The Game – Neil Strauss

  The Architecture of Happiness – Alain de Botton

  Small Dogs Can Save Your Life – Bel Mooney

  I Can Make You Happy – Paul McKenna

  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother – Amy Chua

  How to be a Woman – Caitlin Moran

  French Children Don’t Throw Food – Pamela Druckerman

  Celebrate – Pippa Middleton

  Antifragile – Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  Manuscript Found in Accra – Paulo Coelho

  David and Goliath – Malcolm Gladwell

  Science/History/Religion

  Empire: How Britain Made the Modern World –

  Niall Ferguson

  A Briefer History of Time – Stephen Hawking

  God is Not Great – Christopher Hitchens

  The Case for God – Karen Armstrong

  Religion for Atheists – Alain de Botton

  Wonders of Life – Brian Cox

  Thrillers

  Liberation Day – Andy McNab

  Resurrection Men �
�� Ian Rankin

  Avenger – Frederick Forsyth

  The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

  State of Fear – Michael Crichton

  Hannibal Rising – Thomas Harris

  Beneath the Bleeding – Val McDermid

  The Troubled Man – Henning Mankell

  Carte Blanche – Jeffery Deaver

  Phantom – Jo Nesbø

  A Delicate Truth – John le Carré

  The Cuckoo’s Calling – Robert Galbraith

  Cooking and Gardening

  A Cook’s Tour – Anthony Bourdain

  Gordon Ramsay Makes it Easy – Gordon Ramsay

  Jamie’s Italy – Jamie Oliver

  Breakfast at the Wolseley – AA Gill

  Nigella’s Christmas – Nigella Lawson

  Noma: Time and Place in Nordic Cuisine – René Redzepi

  Notes From My Kitchen Table – Gwyneth Paltrow

  Gardening at Longmeadow – Monty Don

  Bread – Paul Hollywood

  Travel

  Down Under – Bill Bryson

  Stephen Fry in America – Stephen Fry

  The Last Supper – Rachel Cusk

  Phenomenon

  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – JK Rowling

  Acknowledgements

  Index

  Introduction

  Between the start of the twentieth century and the beginning of the First World War, L Frank Baum wrote The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Colette wrote Claudine in Paris, Joseph Conrad wrote Heart of Darkness, Baronness Orczy wrote The Scarlet Pimpernel, EM Forster wrote Howards End, Thomas Mann wrote Death in Venice and Marcel Proust wrote Swann’s Way. All these books have entered the literary canon and are still read today.

  The Digested Read started life in early 2000 and has been running continuously in the Guardian ever since. Its premise is quite simple: to take the book that has been receiving the most media attention in any given week and rewrite it in about 700 words, retelling the story in the style of the author. However the emphasis is often on those aspects of the book that the author might prefer to have gone unnoticed: the clunky plot devices, fairytale psychology, poor dialogue, stylistic tics, unedited longueurs and the emperor’s new clothes.

  Is the Digested Read parody, pastiche or satire? The distinctions frequently are blurred. It can be all three, depending on the book in question; but it is always meant to be entertaining, funny and informative. Literary reviewing has become more critically objective since I began writing the Digested Read, thanks mainly to the growth of literary blogs and below-the-line conversations on newspaper websites. But it is still relatively cosy compared to theatre, film and music reviewing.

  The literary world is quite small: many reviewers are also authors. That can blur the critical boundaries; sometimes towards a hatchet job as old enemies settle scores, but mostly towards reviews that are rather more anodyne and favourable than they might otherwise have been. Who wants to make too many waves, when it might be your book being reviewed next? Some writers also seem to be given an inexplicably easier ride than others; almost as if the literary world has collectively decided that some authors are beyond adverse criticism.

  For many authors, writing is a lifetime’s career. And like most careers, it has its ups and downs. An author might well follow one great book with a couple of duds before finding their touch again; not least because when a writer becomes a bestseller, their publisher often finds it trickier to suggest useful edits. Publishing is a business; no one would dream of marketing a book with the catchline: ‘Not as good as her last book, but bear with her because she will come good again in a few years time’. Every book by an established author is sold as if the career progression were on a relentless upward curve.

  While the Digested Read does have fun – fairly, and yes, sometimes unfairly – at the author’s expense, it is also intended as a corrective to the publishing industry itself: the disparity between the hype with which the publisher is promoting the book and the reality to which it can seldom live up. Which brings me back to where I started. This collection of the best – or worst, depending on your point of view – Digested Reads from the last 14 years are all books that publishers believed were important. They are the books that came with the big marketing budgets and promotional tours. They are the ones publishers expected to reach the bestseller lists. In some cases they are the books publishers hoped might still be read in a hundred years’ time. So, which of these books will be the Howards End or Swann’s Way of 2114? You tell me.

  SERIOUS FICTION

  The Laying on of Hands

  by Alan Bennett (2001)

  Anyone looking around the congregation and its celebrity assortment might have imagined that Clive had been a sociable creature. But the gathering owed more to Clive’s discretion than his friendships, and many household names had been mildly irked on entering the church to discover they were not the sole centre of attention.

  Clive had died in Peru and, when a young man dies in unknown circumstances of an unknown disease, the question, ‘What did he die of?’ often assumes a personal dimension for those who remain. Father Geoffrey Joliffe, who was about to take the service, was no exception.

  By profession, Clive had been a masseur, but he had interpreted the word generously, and although Geoffrey had little reason for anxiety – his guilt had kept their encounters to minimal bodily contact – his confusion of God with Joan Crawford often was enough to inspire alarm.

  As the service neared its conclusion, Father Joliffe had some regrets. Much had been spoken of Clive’s charms, but nothing that he felt truly captured the essence of the Clive he had known.

  ‘If anyone has any further reminiscences they would like to share, they are invited to do so now,’ he improvised. Various people stood up to extend their thoughts, before Carl stepped forward. ‘I would like to tell you what Clive was like in bed,’ he began.

  ‘I didn’t know he was gay,’ chorused several women.

  ‘And when someone that young dies of Aids, it’s time for anger as well as grief,’ Carl continued. The mention of the word that mustn’t be mentioned caused a frisson.

  ‘He didn’t die of Aids,’ said a young man, named Hopkins. ‘I was with him in Peru. He was bitten by an insect.’

  ‘They all say that,’ snarled Carl.

  ‘I’m his doctor,’ ventured a smartly-dressed man. ‘His latest blood test was negative.’

  As the congregation peeled away, their hearts were considerably lighter than when they entered. Hopkins approached Geoffrey. ‘I have Clive’s diary,’ he said. Seeing his initials against several dates, Geoffrey laid his hands on Hopkins’ knees. ‘I’ll take care of that,’ he whispered as Hopkins bolted for the door.

  Some weeks later there was a knock on the vestry door.

  ‘I thought, why not?’ said Hopkins.

  Digested read, digested: The Little Book of Revelations.

  Life of Pi

  by Yann Martel (2001)

  My name came from a swimming pool. Piscine Molitor Patel. At my first school, the other boys called me Pissing, so when I moved I changed my name to Pi. I’ve spent a lot of my life looking for God. That’s why I’m a Hindu, Muslim and a Christian. I’m not sure why I’ve never converted to Judaism or Shinto. My father ran the zoo in Pondicherry. He really loved his animals, so when the zoo had to close he decided to bring them with us to Canada.

  The Tsimstum sank several days out of harbour. My father, mother and brother all drowned. I had been taking a walk on the deck when the ship went down and was thrown into the lifeboat by a couple of sailors. I came to and found myself sharing a boat with a zebra with a broken leg and a hyena. Shortly afterwards, I made the mistake of helping Richard Parker aboard. Richard Parker was a Bengal tiger.

  The hyena started eating the zebra alive. The zebra howled piteously. Richard Parker just looked on. An orang-utan floated by on a huge mound of bananas. The hyena had him as well.

  As we all got hungrier I beca
me more anxious. Before long the hyena and Richard Parker were locked in battle. Richard Parker won, and the pair of us began our strange life aboard.

  I learned how to provide him with fresh drinking water, and shared the flying fish I caught. I had to work hard to make him accept I was the alpha male. As the weeks turned into months, our food began to run out and we went blind. ‘How are you?’ said Richard Parker. Fancy Richard Parker being able to speak, I thought. But it wasn’t Richard Parker. It was a blind Frenchman in the middle of the Pacific. Richard Parker ate him, too.

  Later we made landfall. It was no ordinary landfall, as it was just a floating mass of algae and trees. Richard Parker ate the meerkats. We left when we discovered the island was carnivorous.

  After 277 days at sea, we reached Mexico. Richard Parker made a dash for the jungle. I was picked up and looked after by the locals. Two Japanese officials from the shipping company came to find out what happened. I told them, but they didn’t believe me.

  ‘Would you prefer if I said my family escaped with me, but died on the way?’

  ‘That’s much better,’ they said.

  Digested read, digested: Johnny Morris goes to sea and returns with the Booker. Or did I dream that last bit?

  The Little Friend

  by Donna Tartt (2002)

  For the rest of her life, Charlotte Cleve would blame herself for her son’s death because she had decided to have the Mother’s Day dinner at six in the evening instead of noon, after church, which is when the Cleves usually had it.

  ‘Do I have to be in a book with such a clumsy opening sentence?’ asked Harriett, Charlotte’s petite precocious 10-year-old daughter with the brown bob who bore absolutely no resemblance to the author.

  ‘I’m afraid you do,’ replied her mother. ‘It’s meant to convey the stultifying claustrophobia of a deeply dysfunctional family from Mississippi. Ever since your brother Robin was found hanged 10 years ago, your elder sister Allison and I have been in a catatonic state, and we’re surrounded by a variety of misfits and inbreds.’

  ‘Hmm,’ said Harriett. ‘I’d better try to solve Robin’s murder.’

  ‘Good idea,’ her friend Hely added. ‘I bet it was a Ratcliff. They’re a bad lot and some of them have been in prison.’